The flexion toe and Sally Vickers

Really good writers have a habit of providing the antidote to misery simply by piling on more misery with their well observed work and so it was with Sally Vickers’ “ Mr Golightly’s Holiday” which I finished last night

The book is not wrist-slashingly depressing by any means. In fact it is extremely amusing at times but what I loved was the perception and neatly written allegory upon allegory. The Book of Job played out on Dartmoor……enough, please read it

Apart from slamming my head mercifully between its pages and waking me up from a strong attack of self- pity, Ms Vickers, most propitiously, introduced me to the word “flexion”. My flexion toe being the cause of some of my misery. Job I clearly am not

Monday morning, mid Vickers and Golightly, I decided to pay some bills on line which lead to a fit of pique, an angry stroll through my flat and the resulting crack of the foot against a wall. And crack it surely did after which my right little toe was pointing in an unfamiliar direction.

Being alone and un-mithered (no woman to heal the fallen warrior or something like that) I had to call NHS Direct. For the benefit of non-locals this is a DIY telephonic health service through which one gains emergency guidance

The conversation went like this:-

NHS Direct: Good morning how can I help you
Me: I think I have broken my toe
NHS: Do you have symptoms of swine flu
Me: If a pain in my toe is a symptom then I may have swine flu
NHS: I see
Me: (with a touch of irony) Will you be sending an air ambulance?
NHS: Not on this occasion

After much turning of pages at her end the conversation continued

Me: There is no woman at hand to help me. Could you send a woman?
NHS: No we cannot send a woman. This is not an escort service
Me: More’s the pity
NHS: (After more page turning) Bind the toe above and below the knuckle. Do you have any frozen peas?
I crawl to the freezer
Me: Only frozen asparagus
NHS: Place the frozen asparagus on the foot and secure with a towel. Call us again after 24 hours if there is no improvement. Oh! and don’t refreeze the asparagus or consume after it has been tied to your foot
Me: Thank you
NHS Direct: Thank you for calling NHS Direct – have a nice day

Maybe they had NHS Direct at the time of Lazarus. It’s amazing what a bit of faith will do