Random Observation Syndrome (ROS)

Last weekend 12/13 December I succumbed to what I now name and know as a disruptive and very worrying development in ones psyche. Random Observation Syndrome (ROS) is the casual connection with prime time TV and the resulting fixation. Making us  happy senseless viewers of anything the stations choose to lob down the cathode tube or whatever now serves as the vehicle which delivers our telly programmes.

ROS will hit you at one of those moments when you have set down your Kant or Kierkergaard, ignored the light relief of Rado 3’s Saturday night Rachmaninov concert and chosen, or in my case had chosen for me, the vaunted and much watched X Factor.

“Randomly observing” can quickly become compulsively addictive. X factor goes straight into the main artery and leaves you begging for more. And the “more” I took was firstly the Sports Review of 2009 (all 2 hours of it), the final of X Factor and a substantial hit of “Strictly” with regular rushes from the week’s frequent couch interviews with X Factor winner, Joe “Dimples” McElderry

Without even having to go to Lourdes or Fatima I was delivered of my addiction, the methadone being Fulham’s 3-0 win over Man Utd yesterday. Miraculous as it may seem I am now clean but must not forget those of you whose lives must be hurting with the loss of that turgid telly as all of it exploded over two orgasmic weekends, like a great big party popper

The joy of X factor and its allied psychotropic programmes that come from all the mainstream broadcasters is that one can get into some serious voodoo. We all deep down hate celebrities. Celebrities are never truly celebrated unless they happen to be, in my case, the Fulham midfield!

Let’s face it Louis Walsh is about as big a prat as you could wish to encounter. In the semi final the adorable George Michael opined dangerously close to little Joe’s ear that he must be nervous, particularly being “around people like himself and Robbie Williams”. Oooooerrrr, never a truer word spoken.

Cheryl Cole is redeemed by an accent which I associate with the good humour of the BT help desk in Newcastle and has the disarming ability to emotionally unfold at the sight of a wounded cockroach.  Sadly she shares the same eyebrows as Danni Minogue who thankfully barely spoke during my exposure to X Factor.  

Eyebrows are an issue for star making programmes and I remember, before I understood Random Observation Syndrome (ROS) that Susan Boyle had to have her eyebrows mown and it has not escaped me that Cheryl is a friend of Laura Luke, the lass from South Shields who is doing good business with beauty tips on YouTube; which are now published in the Guardian.

Having read the previous paragraph I recognise that I might have progressed beyond ROS and  acquired the full blown ROS + which is “Rectal Observation Syndrome”  

As for the rest of it, “Strictly” viewers did the decent thing by arranging the win of Chris Hollins, a less than svelte figure who won for all fans of John Seargeant, in my opinion. The Sports Review of 2009 had virtually no sport included, but lots of lights strobing the 12,000 person audience in search of an astonished expression which finally occurred with the announcement that Ryan Giggs had edged golden boy Jenson Button and Ryan appropriately looked like a rabbit in the headlights. Well done Ryan.

In time all our TV might be dominated by Simon Cowell.  He is a funny little bloke who, publicly, stands with his head to one side as though he is seeking his mother’s approval.

Simon also has “Britain’s Got Talent” which this year lost it’s nerve as a man from Coventry prepared to decapitate himself with a chainsaw. I did not particularly want to see a man die on telly but I did realise that Cowell is just a ring master. He takes chances with other people’s lives and hopes that nothing will go too badly wrong

Getting a good dose of Random Observation Syndrome (ROS) has been very good for me and I hope the cryptography is well received and not misunderstood.